here's a funny story, well not really

a few girlfriends came over the other night and we were hanging out talking, doing girl stuff. my one friend thougth it would be funny to add us all to a very innapropriate website. we have all been getting emails ever since from men that have joined this site hoping to find a one nighter....i was getting one from a man that lives in my city!

we'll call him neil. neil is emailing me like crazy, so i decide i will go on to this website and delete this info about me. (it gives a description and likes/dislikes, not real names or anything, but it allows the person to leave msg's for u and the site will email u).

but it wouldn't let me delete myself. after a few days i finally send this guy an email saying "hey i didn't join this thing. pls stop emailing me." but he is relentless. neil is still emailing me. he adds my address to his msn. ya well great. so last night when i was chatting with my neighbor next door and my bff in red deer alberta on my msn, this guy signs on and IM's me.

i again tell him i'm not interested in him and to go away. so he says to me "hey i don't expect anything i saw your profile and i thought you sounded nice. i just want to get to know you and maybe we can be friends." .....um ya ok, not likely buddy. you signed up on the most digusting web site ever! because you can't get a date and you expect me to be your friend? uh no!

but something happened to my msn and for whatever reason i wouldn't let me delete him (i guess i have a prob with deleting things?) and i couldn't block him. so i ignored him, but like i said earlier he was relentless and he wouldn't stop msg'ing me. at that point it was sad. so i thought well if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! i talked to him for a few mins then told him i had to go to work, and i signed off.

tonight i planned to go online and delete him before he came on and tried to talk to me. didn't work. literally the second that i signed on, a box popped up saying "hi! it's me neil!" oh my god.

i didn't know what to do, so i said hi back. we talked for a few minutes when my bff called me on the phone. her new born was crying non-stop and she didn't know what to do. so i quickly im'd neil and told him i was on the phone i'd be a bit so better to say good night now rather than wait for me, but he was way too kind and typed back "no prob! i'll wait for you".

just great! this guy is sad AND pethetic.

after like 45 mins on the phone, my bff and i had the baby sleeping and i was well on my way into the "neil" story with her. she was laughing her ass off! (so glad she was having a good time with all of this!) and especially so when i realized he was true to his word and still online waiting for me! (at this point i was startign to feel bad) so i went back online with him and said "sorry, my bff called her baby was crying and she didn't know what to do, so i had to help her." he completely freaked out and said "wow. how do you know about kids? do you have some?"
i really liked how he refers to children as something like a box of chocolates, or some smokes..do you have some? loser.

so i, of course, say "yes i can't omit the fact that i have kids, i wouldn't be me. they are my everything, i love ALL of them so much!" he said, "ALL of them? how many do you have?"

my reply? well of course i told him exactly how many i have..."i have 7, all boys!" hahahahahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha

ya he didnt' like that much. he signed off asap and told me he wasn't feeling well and he was going to bed! (now of course i only have 3 girls. but oh well. i certainly wasn't gonna tell this guy anything about my babies.)

we're a package deal. and the deal didn't include him. thank god

after my divorce

i should first say that i wasn't actually married to him. we were together for 7 yrs, so we were common law. i met him when i was living on vancouver island in a city called parksville. i was chatting with a friend while her baby and my 2 yr old daughter played. he was moving furniture into someone's house. my friend and i were talking about how she was going to get over her break up with the baby's father and that's when we noticed him. not that he was hard to miss.

he was carrying a heavy piece of furniture over his head, his arms, shoulders, abs ...everything was flexed. he was so good looking! i said to my friend "now that's something that would help you get over mike" refering to the guy we were now both checkin out. i guess he noticed us watching him and he came over and introduced himself to us. i told him to sit with us in hopes he and my friend would get to know eachother, but i realized immediatly he was interested in me not my friend. after a quick chat with her i knew it was ok to go for him. and i did. and we were together for the next seven years.

the next 7 yrs of my life were confusing. i didn't trust donny as far as i could throw him ( which wasn't that far) and we fought all the time. he was always going out and partying with his friends and i was always at home with the kids. i think we stayed together because we really did love eachother. the sex was great and we could make eachother laugh. all of our friends would say that we were the perfect couple.

the thing about him was that if we were alone he was great. if he was with his friends he wasn't. if he was with his friends he was drink and high, he wasn't coming home for days on end and taking all of my money. there were times that i would wake up and my mortgage money and my food money would be gone. and i would not be able to get a hold of him or find him anywhere in town. one time he took all of my money and stole my car. i couldn't get my daughter to kindergarten for 2 weeks.

i found out he was doing meth and he was selling drugs. i didn't know what to do. when he came home i asked him and he freaked out on me. he smashed all the ornaments in my bedroom and he threw cups at me. he punched holes in the walls and doors. and blamed me for his anger saying it was because i didn't trust him.
then after he had his fit he would take all of my money or bank cards and leave for 2 more weeks.

of course when he came home we would work it out and make up. he would promise to stay home more and he would say he would get a real job.
but he didn't and it would all start again soon enough.

i put up with this for seven years ( i don't recomend this to ANYONE)!! and finally i got so sick of feeling lonely and sad and feeling the loss that my kids were feeling i finally gave up on him.
in the very end i found out he was not only doing drugs and selling drugs but having an affair as well.

this broke my heart. that part was the hardest to get over. yes i was angry. i had never been so angry in my life. but i was so sad that i had this idea i my mind that we could be this fab couple and stay together forever and be happy forever, but he was cheating on me. and cheating on my kids. he was spending time with someone who isn't even close to being as important as the kids should have been.

the last time we were together i had to have him removed by the police. actually my father called the cops for me because he knew something was wrong. it ended badly. i won't get into that right now, maybe in another posting.

but after that was all said and done i realized that i had gained weight. i had not been that heavy since i was pregnant. i felt like crap obviously because the man i loved had cheated on me, and now i was fat. lonely and fat.
great frickin combo! i figured i had to do something about it. the weight gain had started when i wasn't eating due to stress. my body went into starvation mode. not good.

after i figured out how to have 3 small meals a day and some healthy snacks i started to lose weight. then i started to work out.i lost even more weight. and most importantly i started to feel good again.

my kids have gotten over the break up and have started healing. they understand that their dad is sick right now and that he is mean to mommy. i explained to them that we, as grown ups, make decisions to keep our kids safe. this was one of those decisions, dad had to go.
my kids and i have not seen him for about 7 months.

life is good!

he hasn't called

well, he hasn't called since my last posting. i don't know what to say. i tried to call him the day after he got home, like he asked me too. but there was no answer. then i tried one more time the day after that. then i gave up....i figure if he wants to get ahold of me he will call. he knows my number. but he hasn't called. it has been like 5 days. i don't think i did anything wrong? maybe he did freak out about me having kids. i really liked this guy, life goes on with or without him. but i did really like him.
i don't want to be insecure. you know those girls who freak out after the first date because he didn't call right away? she will freak out and then he will call in the next 2 days. i don't want to be one of those girls.
i guess having my heart ripped out more than once does make me wonder though. does he like me? what is he doing and why hasn't he called? why did he call me his girlfriend and then not call for five days. - and fyi. i think i did post previously to this, that i thought he could be one of those commitment phobia guys? i think i was right.
here's a thought: i didn't get a memo (or any kind of notification) stating i'm his gf until he kept referring to me as his girl friend. maybe i didn't get the memo saying i've been dumped?!
don't get me wrong...i'm not sitting by the phone waiting for his call. but i have to say that when it does ring i am disapointed when i find out it's not him. i hate this feeling even more than i hated the fact that i had a crush on him. i felt out of control then and i feel out of control now. i just can't win! haha
seriously though. it makes me wonder what happened. is it that his phone finally went in to be serviced? and he can't call because my number is in his phone? his phone did suck.
maybe i should just get over it. maybe.... if and when he does call i will just say "you know what ryan? i'm busy right now, i'll call in a week or so."
i feel mad. i feel like i did something wrong. (i'm being one of those insecure girls right now!)
we'll see i guess. i am definately not calling him anymore that's for sure!

he met my kids!

ryan came back to town last night (he works as a blaster and has been in Whistler for 7 months). he doesn't live in the same city as i do, so he was passing thru on his way home. he gave me a call and i invited him over to say hi for a few minutes before he had to leave town. i told my kids he was coming over and they were excited right away! my girls are 8, 5, and 4 and have been looking forward to meeting ryan since i told them i was dating him.
so we did an emergency clean up and finished just in time for him to pull up in my driveway! i invited him in and introduced him to my girls. i think they liked him. the first thing that i noticed was how he changed the tone of his voice when he was talking to one of my kids. his voice went from manly and macho to sweet and soft. they really responded to that!
it was kinda uncomfortable for me to have him in my house because it has been a long time since i have had a man in my house!
but i tried not to stress and stayed calm. he didn't stay long because the roads were pretty bad and he wanted to make it home to say good bye to his father who was leaving town the next morning.
i walked him outside and said a quick and casual good bye (my girls had their noses pressed to the window!). and he told me how beautiful my kids were.
i don't have much else to say except that i'm really VERY happy that he called me later that night and told me he arrived safely.
which relieved my fear that he wouldn't call after the reality set in that i actually do have 3 kids!

tonight i got in to a stupid thing with ryan. it wasn't a fight or even an argument. i don't know what it was. he and i were chatting on msn and he referred to me as his girlfriend. and i asked him when i became his gf. i thought that you were supposed to be notified or something when you move up in status? so i decided to call him and the whole thing became blown out of preportion.
he was being really presumptious when he called me his gf. at least i thought so anyways. and then it became really confusing in the sense where i was saying ya well i'd like to be your gf. if we can still go really slow. and he was saying lets not label it.
what do you mean lets not label it? didn't you just call me your girlfriend? um... that's a label..... right?
so here we are not knowing what we are. confused, getting frustrated and it's really awkward now.
so i after the long awkward silence i had to get off the phone. it was way too uncomfortable at that point. he calls me his gf. i tell him i didn't know i was his gf, but ya i'd like to be. then he says we don't need a label? what the heck is going on? i'm so out of the loop at this point it's not even funny.
i think that my problem is that a few months ago i was in a really bad relationship. and for 7 years i didn't know where i stood. and so now that i am starting a relationship; with a guy that is NOT the p.o.s. that my ex is, i have this crazy out of control feeling. and i NEED to know where i stand so that i feel like i have control again. i think it is pretty justifiable.
it' s not like i freaked on the guy. i simply said to him "i'm your girlfriend?" and he back peddled so frickin fast it wasn't funny.
so after i got off the phone with i tried to figure out whether or not i was his gf. i still didn't know what was going on. then he called me, i ignored the phone bcuz i didn't really want to talk to him at that point. i had just put myself on the line and said yes, i do want to be your girlfriend. and he backed out. i felt like a dummy.
a while later when i was checking my email i saw that after he couldn't get a hold of me on my phone he decided to email me.
the email said "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to get all stressed and react that way. i really like you and i feel really bad. let's just take it slow and do what ever is natural." sincerly, ryan."
well then. am i dumb? i STILL don't know where i stand. am i his girlfriend or are we just dating?

we're a package deal

me and my girls are a package deal. that's final. my kids come first and foremost. way before any man i may date.
the question came up last night when i was talking to ryan, the guy i am dating. i asked him "does it scare you that i have kids?" he thought about it for a moment and said no. i was very surprised. i would think that it would be the scariest thing in the "dating world" to a guy.
i hear it all the time at work when one guy is asking another guy about their date, "how was your date last night with that new girl?" the one who went on the date will reply, "great, but she has kids."
i wonder why it doesn't scare ryan? for the amount of physcology books that i have read i do know that it could be one of two things. he either has commitment issues and he is not scared by the fact that i have three kids because he doesn't plan to stick around for long. OR he actually isn't scared.
i don't want to analyze the situation til i have fucked it up, like creating some thing is not actually there. but i do want to know. i just find it interesting that he is not in the least amount worried that i come with a packaged pre-made family.
after thinking about all of that i now wonder is it me? am i just so suspcious and leary of men; after all the crap i have dealt with in regards to my ex's, that i can't believe that MAYBE i have met the one? and it has made very analytical?
then i wonder how do you know he's the one? how do you know? good question. because out of all the men i have had relationships with i felt like i was on cloud nine. i felt fantastic. then bam! he's an idiot. i wish you could get a boyfriend at the mall. and if it didn't work you could bring him in with your reciept and return him. haha. i'm sure that men think the same thing about women? wouldnt' that be fantastic?
oh well, i am sure i will find out soon enough. he will either screw up and do something dumb ie: break my trust and all that other great stuff we do to people. or i will have actually met the man of my dreams!

i just met the greatest guy!

i met a guy recently, his name is ryan. he works in construction, owns his own house, he's responsible, and he's my age! i can't believe it, a normal guy that is 25. i keep thinking that there must be something wrong with him? not that i am trying to sabatoge this, but seriously now. when do girls my age, with kids, meet nice guys? almost never, that's when.
i am trying my best to not fall head over heels for this guy, but it is very hard. i'm so totally new to this dating thing that i feel like i am back in gr. 8. i need some advice on what to do! i am a very outspoken person and sometimes very blunt, so if i like someone i will just say i like you! at first it seemed like he was not interested in me, which really put me off.
so i laid off a bit, as soon as i stopped paying attention to him he came running! i don't understand this concept at all. why does he want me now that he thinks i don't want him? is it that we all want what we cannot have?
i would like to know... so if anyone has some info on experiences they have had, please let me know.